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Finally.  Just like
when “Frank TV” was canceled (he was so overexposed last year, I actually
started to dislike the people he impersonated by proxy), our long national
nightmare is over and after an off-season that could’ve only been celebrated by
high-priced Manhattan realtors, baseball is back. 

 

We’ve enjoyed all the winter fantasy baseball chatter, but
we couldn’t be happier that spring is here. 
Theoretical discussions centered upon hypothetical results can only go
on so long before you want to see things proved (and disproved) on the field. 

 

With Hamels on the shelf, I was thrilled to discover
my old friend Brett Myers would be throwing the first meaningful pitch of the
2009.  I would say he single-handedly
murdered my team last year, but that would be unfair to Aaron Harang, who
caused me to utter enough swear words last year, my living room could have been
mistaken for the set of a Tarantino flick.

 

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But did I learn my lesson?  Of course not.  I doggedly pursued both Myers and Harang to
join my staff in the Fantasy Baseball Search Expert League and either they come
through this year or they will become an even bigger fixture in my nightmares
than the new Chester Cheetah (seriously dude, that thing is creepy.  How did that pitch go?  “I like our cartoon pitchman for our chemically-processed
cheese sticks, but it would be better if he was 30% more sociopathic.  Can we take the old one and add a dusting of Hannibal
Lecter?”)

 

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With Myers taking the ball on Opening Night, I couldn’t help
but keep a running review of his performance. 
If you saw the game, you can probably predict what follows below is not
for the faint of heart.

Continue reading →