Toby Awards

We are now a third of the way through the MLB season, enough
time for me to dust off my favorite gimmick – The Toby Awards! (Previous
editions here and here).  Let’s get right
to it.

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Punch-Out Award for
Most Anticipated Arrival

When news broke that the classic Nintendo game “Punch-Out”
was being resurrected and adapted for the Wii, I was giddy.  Outside of maybe Tecmo Bowl, there isn’t a
more iconic title that had yet to be updated. 
I couldn’t wait for release day so I could reunite with Little Mac and
recreate his slightly racist rise to glory (even a Larry the Cable Guy show
isn’t as chalked full of stereotypes).

And The Toby Goes To – Matt Wieters:
As much as I pined for Punch-Out, it didn’t begin to compare to how hard the
fantasy community sweated out Wieters’ arrival. 
It was amazing that following the announcement, a ton of writers
wrote similar apocryphal stories from 25 years in the future describing all of
his accomplishments.  If I had been hit
upon the head and knocked out, I might actually thought I’d been in a two
decade long coma and have taken them as fact. 
How else could you explain everyone writing the same thing?

New York Skyline

I moved out of New York City five years ago this month and I
must say I don’t really miss living there anymore.  But every time I come back to visit, I
cherish that first look of the Manhattan skyline.  No matter how many times you see it, it never
gets old.

And The Toby Goes To – Raul Ibanez:  Speaking of refusing to age (and tenuous
transitions), Raul Ibanez numbers are absolutely stunning so far this year and
is going to end up on a lot of championship teams (hopefully mine).  Seeing him rake this season has been like
owning a stock for several years that has provided consistent, but low-level
returns that suddenly explodes for no real reason.  Please, oh please let this hypothetical
investment not be in an HGH company.

Rock and Roll Ain’t
Noise Pollution Award for Perfect Beginning

You know on your IPod how if you just press play without
making a selection or choosing shuffle, the same song always comes on?  On mine, it’s ACDC’s “Rock and Roll Ain’t
Noise Pollution,” so I’ve heard the beginning of this song many, many
times.  And you know what?  The first 20 seconds are absolutely
perfect.   It’s a slow, clean guitar riff
with the lead singer lighting a butt and taking a puff in the background.  It’s exactly how a rock song should

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And The Toby Goes To – Zack Greinke:  The start to Greinke’s season has been just
as perfect and just like starting up the IPod, each time he takes the hill
seems to turn out the same way.  He
hasn’t just beaten hitters this year, he’s demoralized them.  Beginning the season with four consecutive
shutouts was particularly inspired.  We
haven’t seen a Zach perform at this high of level since the Five Aces
doowhop’d all over the Bayside High sock hop. (You knew a “Saved
by the Bell” joke was coming, but probably not that one.  It happened during the Tori Senior Year,
which even the show disavowed ever happened).

LeBron James Award
for Best Performance Without a Supporting Cast

If you watched the Eastern Conference finals then this award
needs no further explanation.  If it was
a reality show, it could have been called “Lebron the Great Plus Eight.”  While King James gave the performance of a
lifetime, his eight teammates in the rotation ran around helplessly, causing
havoc and doing more harm than good.

Winner – And The Toby Goes To:  Gonzo is wasting a career
year in San Diego, as his offensive teammates have been absolutely
terrible.  He’s nearly doubled up his
next closest teammate in Runs, RBIs, and Home Runs.  Click this link,
you’ll see the same face staring back at you everywhere.  Kinda creepy (mainly because he looks like a
player from “Backyard Baseball” came to life), but a fitting tribute to his

Big Whiskey and the
Groogrux King Award for Most Disappointing Hometown Performance

Growing up in Virginia and going to school in
Charlottesville, the day the Dave Matthews Band released a new album was among
the most highly anticipated of the year. 
I remember popping in “Before These Crowded Streets” and driving
aimlessly around my hometown for an hour while listening and then rushing home
so I could play it again.  But their
latest release is bland, uninspired and terrible.  It sounds like someone doing a Dave Matthews
impression and doing it poorly.  If a
band called “Lie in our Graves” played this album at a local coffeehouse, they
would be booed out of the overly-pretentious building.


Winner –And The Toby Goes To:  Here is what you really need to know about
the Nats bullpen – the team is going to score 200 more runs than they did last
year, the starting pitching has been roughly equivalent, and they are still
going to lose over 100 games.  At this
point, I’d rather see the British Army enter Washington than a Nats reliever.  I hate them.

See you Monday.

1 Comment

hahah good stuff man, good stuff.

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