Toby Awards

We are now a third of the way through the MLB season, enough time for me to dust off my favorite gimmick - The Toby Awards! (Previous editions here and here).  Let's get right to it.

Punch-Out Award for Most Anticipated Arrival

When news broke that the classic Nintendo game "Punch-Out" was being resurrected and adapted for the Wii, I was giddy.  Outside of maybe Tecmo Bowl, there isn't a more iconic title that had yet to be updated.  I couldn't wait for release day so I could reunite with Little Mac and recreate his slightly racist rise to glory (even a Larry the Cable Guy show isn't as chalked full of stereotypes).

And The Toby Goes To - Matt Wieters: As much as I pined for Punch-Out, it didn't begin to compare to how hard the fantasy community sweated out Wieters' arrival.  It was amazing that following the announcement, a ton of writers wrote similar apocryphal stories from 25 years in the future describing all of his accomplishments.  If I had been hit upon the head and knocked out, I might actually thought I'd been in a two decade long coma and have taken them as fact.  How else could you explain everyone writing the same thing?

New York Skyline Award

I moved out of New York City five years ago this month and I must say I don't really miss living there anymore.  But every time I come back to visit, I cherish that first look of the Manhattan skyline.  No matter how many times you see it, it never gets old.

And The Toby Goes To - Raul Ibanez:  Speaking of refusing to age (and tenuous transitions), Raul Ibanez numbers are absolutely stunning so far this year and is going to end up on a lot of championship teams (hopefully mine).  Seeing him rake this season has been like owning a stock for several years that has provided consistent, but low-level returns that suddenly explodes for no real reason.  Please, oh please let this hypothetical investment not be in an HGH company.

Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution Award for Perfect Beginning

You know on your IPod how if you just press play without making a selection or choosing shuffle, the same song always comes on?  On mine, it's ACDC's "Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution," so I've heard the beginning of this song many, many times.  And you know what?  The first 20 seconds are absolutely perfect.   It's a slow, clean guitar riff with the lead singer lighting a butt and taking a puff in the background.  It's exactly how a rock song should start. 

And The Toby Goes To - Zack Greinke:  The start to Greinke's season has been just as perfect and just like starting up the IPod, each time he takes the hill seems to turn out the same way.  He hasn't just beaten hitters this year, he's demoralized them.  Beginning the season with four consecutive shutouts was particularly inspired.  We haven't seen a Zach perform at this high of level since the Five Aces doowhop'd all over the Bayside High sock hop. (You knew a "Saved by the Bell" joke was coming, but probably not that one.  It happened during the Tori Senior Year, which even the show disavowed ever happened).

LeBron James Award for Best Performance Without a Supporting Cast

If you watched the Eastern Conference finals then this award needs no further explanation.  If it was a reality show, it could have been called "Lebron the Great Plus Eight."  While King James gave the performance of a lifetime, his eight teammates in the rotation ran around helplessly, causing havoc and doing more harm than good.

Winner - And The Toby Goes To:  Gonzo is wasting a career year in San Diego, as his offensive teammates have been absolutely terrible.  He's nearly doubled up his next closest teammate in Runs, RBIs, and Home Runs.  Click this link, you'll see the same face staring back at you everywhere.  Kinda creepy (mainly because he looks like a player from "Backyard Baseball" came to life), but a fitting tribute to his season.

Big Whiskey and the Groogrux King Award for Most Disappointing Hometown Performance

Growing up in Virginia and going to school in Charlottesville, the day the Dave Matthews Band released a new album was among the most highly anticipated of the year.  I remember popping in "Before These Crowded Streets" and driving aimlessly around my hometown for an hour while listening and then rushing home so I could play it again.  But their latest release is bland, uninspired and terrible.  It sounds like someone doing a Dave Matthews impression and doing it poorly.  If a band called "Lie in our Graves" played this album at a local coffeehouse, they would be booed out of the overly-pretentious building.

Winner -And The Toby Goes To:  Here is what you really need to know about the Nats bullpen - the team is going to score 200 more runs than they did last year, the starting pitching has been roughly equivalent, and they are still going to lose over 100 games.  At this point, I'd rather see the British Army enter Washington than a Nats reliever.  I hate them.

See you Monday.